around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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