I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
