He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
