I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
