2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
