I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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