I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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