i already hear my dad disowning me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
