i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
