Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
