there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
