My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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