The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
