Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
