I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
