My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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