The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
