Your face is a jimmy john
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
