I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
