I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
May the power of my ass compel you!!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
