I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
