I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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