Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
