Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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