i think my tv is drunk
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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