dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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