WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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