I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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