He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize