3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
