i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
