the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
did i just pee glitter
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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