The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
