I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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