3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
