I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So squirting runs in the family.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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