Can Purell be used as lube?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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