I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
