I wish I could teleport
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We got so high we made milksteak
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
