Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
