My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
