I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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