new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
