he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
