I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
