so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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