Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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