You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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