You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
