rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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