Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
