running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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