It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
