i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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