Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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