capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
These tits shall not be calmed
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
