he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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