Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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