You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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