He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
