What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
