Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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